I have a friend who is going through some difficult times. His unhappiness is the result of a recent act of cruelty. It was a completely unnecessary act of cruelty. Well, no cruelty is necessary. It is just that the perpetrator of this assault on my friend could have accomplished his goal without the cruelty. He could have been nice.
After talking with my friend - well, for a better flow - lets call him Ricky - after we spoke and hearing the devastation in his every word, I wondered about my own behavior. How nice am I? How cruel am I? How have I caused anyone to be unhappy?
We all want to think of ourselves as nice - nice people - good generous and caring. But how true is that in percentages. Are we 100% good? Probably not.
I look at some of my actions over my lifetime. I know for certain that I have been nice - very nice. I have been good. I have also been mean, selfish and cruel. The instances when I have been less than nice were always rationalized as necessary behavior at the time because, after all, I am a good person. But, no, I was not the good nice person I want people to think I am. Looking back with honesty, I see how bad I was. I see what I am capable of doing to others. And I am ashamed.
Ricky's recent tragedy has enlightened me to recognize my demon. It has made me come to the simplest and clearest of conclusions. We can be nice. We can take care of business and resolve it with no regrets to haunt us through sleepless nights.
Of course, the reality of our world shows us cruel people without a conscience. People who would not lose sleep over their sins. Are we to extend our love to them despite their inherent evil? I don't know. I think it is best to avoid such people, that is, if and when you recognize them for what they are. It may be difficult to completely avoid them. They may be your boss, your parent, your next door neighbor. But you can keep them out of the fabric of your life. Such people can bring you down - can convert you - can give you permission to be like them before you even know what is happening to you.
To be nice - to strive to be nice - that is my goal. I am a good person. This I know. My desire to be consistent is the effort. Of course it is. We are all selfish creatures. It is a given. The human being, above all else lives to survive. We nurture ourselves with food, water, oxygen AND love - all selfish acts - but selfish is like the good fats and bad fats in our diet - love is the good selfish. It is the one thing we do for ourselves that benefits the objects of our affections.
Poor dear Ricky. He is a good person. He is a nice person. He was dealt a cruel blow by a - bad person? - a cruel, not nice person? Yes. But this person doesn't love Ricky. Then are we only nice to those we love? It is easier, for sure, to be nice to our loved ones. I hold that we can go through the day falling in love with almost everyone we encounter if just for a minute - a few seconds. Nice precedes these encounters and is the aftertaste when they are over.
If only for Ricky or because of Ricky I will endeavor to sustain this desire to be nice. It wouldn't hurt. How could it?
“
They say you are not you except in terms of relation to other people. If there weren't any other people there wouldn't be any you because what you do, which is what you are, only has meaning in relation to other people.”
― Robert Penn Warren
Bless TCM. Bless Robert Osborne. Bless Thomas Edison. Bless the Lumiere Brothers.
I love movies - new, old, short, long, intimate, epic, black and white, color, CinemaScope, 3D ( sometimes ) - so many movies just everywhere - so many bad BAD flicks but so many good ones, too.
I pick movies the way I pick books. One of my favorite "libraries" is TCM. I adore this television network. It isn't nostalgia that beckons me to this channel. I am not a fan of pure nostalgia. It's an aesthetic. TCM, like a library, has the good the bad and the interesting.
Today I watched a series of short Lumiere films - movies from the 1800's - THE 1800'S!! Two of them were in color - IN COLOR!! What an experience. Viewing movies from two centuries ago was like a visitation from Marley's ghost - chilling, thrilling and a little scary BUT also a kind of holy spiritual experience.
I recently watched "Giant' with Elizabeth Taylor, James Dean and Rock Hudson. It was fabulous. I was astounded to realize what a great actress Liz Taylor was in her prime. I was surprised at how good Rock Hudson was and how bad the forever young James Dean could be. "Giant's" director George Stevens was a revelation to me. Now I want to see all his films.
Another surprise for me was the phenomenal performance by a young and very beautiful Natalie Wood in "Splendor In The Grass". Warren Beatty made his movie debut in "Splendor" and was pretty stunning - all the earmarks of a screen star. Directed by Elia Kazan, Natalie Wood's heartbreaking performance was never equaled by her.
TCM is a treasure trove of great 20th Century "literature". Yes, TCM also shows bombs but viewed as history, these bombs blow away many of today's hits- you know - like the repulsive "Hangover " movies. the stupid Jennifer Aniston romancers, the grating Adam Sandler indulgences, the smarmy Paul Rudd buddy flicks, the recent spate of senior citizen romantic comedies starring Diane Keaton, Alec ( puke puke ) Baldwin, Meryl Streep ( is nothing sacred ) and Robert Dinero ( Mr. Sell-out ).
I am not saying movies were better then today's efforts. I am saying that today's garbage is smellier. In an attempt to be real, movies have given up wit, true humor and poetic vision. That said -today we have Ang Lee, Spielberg, Scorsese, Danny Boyle etc. making very good movies and I do love state of the art. So there is much to enjoy and savor today but oh - ah - yesterday - Bette Davis, Kazan, Garland, Cagney, Charles Laughton, Montgomery Clift, Geraldine Page, Ava Gardner, Kim Novak, Inge, Hepburn - Katherine & Audrey, David Lean, Brando, Coppola, Lumet, MGM musicals and that marvelous roaring lion and on and on............
But I don't have to dwell in a nostalgic mist. No I do not. All I have to do is turn on TCM and catch a dream - eyes wide open.
I have this friend. We've known each other for many many years. That's the problem. We are tied by history. We have nothing in common except that we went to the same school, know some of the same people, had a brief commonality - very brief, really. Yet for these many years we have considered ourselves friends. We have had long stretches of silences but we seem to reenter each other's lives.
I do not like him. He is everything I dislike in people. He is totally self focused. He is rudely judgmental. He has displayed a very cruel streak publicly - bursts of ugly anger and embarrassing fury. He is racist although he would say he is not. He is sexist in that 1950's kind of way which wouldn't seem sexist if we were living in that decade. He is shockingly ignorant considering that he is an educator. He is devoid of a social conscience. From my observation, he has many acquaintances but no close friends.
He considers me a close friend.
We are not.
When we talk - well, when he talks - it is all about him. When I interject and try to share he doesn't hear me. It's as if I hadn't spoken at all. When he has finished his ego fest he makes a quick and speedy exit.
Anyone I have ever introduced him to has remarked "Why are you two friends - why is he your friend?" - As in - why would you even consider such a person your friend - why would you want to be in his company - why? why? why?
I last spoke to him yesterday. He phoned me on his land line to "talk". His monologue was interrupted by his cell phone. He asked - no - told me to hold on as he took the other call. It wasn't even really for him. From what I could hear, it was a neighbor asking about my 'friend's" sister who had been hospitalized. He coolly informed his neighbor of his sister's condition which was quite serious from what I could gather. Yet, my "friend" spoke like a dispatcher after a long boring shift of reporting routine brush fires and domestic squabbles. He, then, told this neighbor to hold on - came back to me and I immediately seized the opportunity to end the call by saying "Why don't you call me later - go on and take your call." He did without even a thank you - just an OK and click - well, phones don't really click anymore but you know what I mean.
I sat very still for a few beats then relaxed into a decision. I need to once and for all divorce this "friend". I feel nothing but contempt for him - not a shred of love or even like. I understand what makes him the way he is. I really do. Yet, that doesn't matter. I want out.
He will think it is another one of our "silences" and eventually he will break down and call me. And when that time comes, I will - what? Answer the phone? Ignore the call?
What I want to do is tell him why we are not and have never really been friends. I don't want to hurt him. I just want to end this thing - this acquaintance - this pretense. His ego will surely be capable of handling this "divorce". When he speaks of this - and he will - it is I who will be the one being dumped. And that's okay. Because my ego doesn't care.
I am looking forward to saying "I had this friend. We knew each other for many many years. That was the problem.................... "
"This is what I'll miss about summer"
"What?"
We were driving home this evening from a local Italian restaurant.
It had rained quite heavily off and on all day - but now
now the evening sun was shining its warm gauzy glow
the air was fresh with that mixture of leaves and grass smell
the day had slowed down to a meander
It was delicious.
"This - right now - this....."
"Oh - yes, I know........"
Summer carries an energy that motivates,
entertains
and presents possibilities
especially summer evenings
still light out
a quiet buzz
relaxing
contentment.
No other season gives you that.
Winter evenings are dark, chilly and sleepy.
The fall tries to imitate summer - badly.
Spring disappoints with its delayed promise.
Only summer evenings prolong the hope.
Summer is ending and I will miss it - especially its evenings.
