Tuesday, April 18

60 degrees, nice. We went to Roswell for Tony's 10:30 appointment. Everything was on time. Yvonne was the nurse. We then had breakfast at Tim Hortons at BJs Plaza. We went home and took a nap. We went to Paneras and had tomato soup and chicken with wild rice. Came home and watch Jeopardy, Girls, Larry Sanders.

SALAD DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN !

SALAD DAYS

                                                  

October 28 has always been an important date in my life . It was 38 years ago on that date that Glenn and I met. Now October 28 has gained additional importance. Friday, October 28, 2016 my wonderful doctor said with a huge smile on her face, " You are in remission - cancer gone."

                                                 

My first response to this monumental news was, " You mean I can go back to eating salads?"

You see, while I was in recovery, all raw foods like vegetables, sushi plus soft cheeses, cream filled anything were forbidden due to possible bacteria which might cause infection. Leave it to me to think of food first. Never mind that this announcement meant no more weekly clinic , multiple medications, frequent blood work - all the poking and prodding that was my new normal for an entire year. 

SALAD - that was my reward.

                                              

                                                   

Dr. Ho laughed admitting that, like me, big salads were a favorite menu item for her. She went as far as to recommend a restaurant.

But I digress. I AM IN REMISSION! I am thrilled, to say the least. I am so happy as is Glenn.

                                        

I just thought you'd want to know.

By the way, yesterday we dined out on 2 big Cobb salads. I am still reeling. 

                                            

100 Days

                                                               

Today marks the 38th day of my recovery . My total recovery before I venture out into the world is 100 days . This has to be the most difficult time of my life and the most harrowing ! My energy is so very low . My appetite thankfully has improved a bit from bad to fair . So I am seeing some progress and the progress is so very slow . I have been home for two weeks now after a long and horrible three-week hospital stay . It was excruciating , isolating and beyond boring. But through all this I have had the most amazing outpouring of love and support from so many people . Although I requested no hospital visits it didn't matter . People were still there for me:

 Thank you Michael , Heather and Stevie for cleaning my house to make it pristine for my return. 

Thanks to Jeanie for checking in with Glenn every single day giving him the very necessary emotional support he needed. 

Thanks to Debbie for her frequent uplifting texts. 

Anne Marie's encouraging texts to me and her supportive calls to Glenn always seemed to arrive at the right moment. 

So many of you found good use for texting at long last. Glenn and I appreciated it. 

The phone calls, emails and messages from close friends to warm acquaintances was staggering. 

This all brings to mind that wonderful line the Wizard of Oz speaks to the Tin Man " Remember my sentimental friend, it's not how much you love but how much you are loved that matters."

                                                       

Michael has been a source of great strength in all he has done and continues to do. Thank God for Michael. Every one should have a Michael in their lives who is, by the way, blessed with a terrific girlfriend like Heather.  Btw, thanks for the terrific elliptical. Glenn's enjoying it - soon for me.

                                                    

Touches of kindness reach me daily:

 Thanks JoEllen for the Sedaris CDs - his wit and sharp eye blended in oddly enough with my recovery mood.

I am looking forward to digging into the two Bill Bryson books Maryanne, Frank and Pete were so generous to send. Must be special if the author is a favorite of yours.

Colleen's thoughtful music CDs and books offered peace and encouragement.

Diane and Maryanne surprised me with an Amazon gift card - one store I don't mind getting lost in.

I was especially touched by the book and beautiful quilt made with caring hands by members of Hamburg United Methodist Church - sent to me early on.

What really astounds me are the hundreds of prayer warriors from Anne Marie's to Michaelene's and beyond that are  praying specifically for me - for me!

I didn't know receiving card's and notes filled with well wishes and good cheer could elevate me to such joyous heights.

I am feeling strong enough to receive phone calls and visits, now. Hope to see and hear from you soon. I know I haven't been able to come to the phone or had to discourage visits and I do hope this wasn't too off-putting for you. I truly just wasn't strong enough. To complete a sentence was a huge effort. Now, things have improved and I am able to speak on the phone as well as visit with you at my home. So please call or drop in. Rules for a visit: no coughs or colds or having been around someone with a cold or contagious situation, don't bring plants, cut flowers or stuffed animals, and when you see me a fist bump is the preferred display of affection. That last rule slays me BUT doctor"s orders.

                                                        

I feel thankful beyond words for my life - thankful that I still have my life. I am grateful that with this life the number one key to its success is Glenn. His calm loving reserve - his exemplary communication skills with doctors and staff at Roswell - his clear understanding of all things me at this most difficult time are truly what saved my life. Above all his dedication driven by pure holy love is my panacea.

                                                      

As I forge ahead in my recovery , I know - Casera-sera whatever will be will be, like the song goes- but I firmly believe that whatever will be will be - will be grand!

                                                      

..

Day 0

                                                         

Wow! Does that sound apocalyptic or what? Day Zero Day 0 ! 

Chilling!

Trying to live in the now, I am attempting to not predict. 

Day 0 is the 2nd day of my rather lengthy hospitalization. It is the day through modern science when I have my own stem cells put back into my body thereby healing this awful thing called Multiple Myeloma. It's like a Michael Crichton novel.

                                                       

I know I am sounding flippant, but this is serious. And after 8 months of successful treatment, this is REAL!

So, to catch all you caring souls up with the latest on Tony Baksa, here it is:

I will be admitted Tuesday morning August 9th to Roswell Park Cancer Institute for a stem cell transplant. It is not surgery. It entails an insertion of a line into me just below the neck where my own stem cells will be given back to me - that is, my cancer free stem cells. The rest of my stay will be physical therapy and monitoring while my NEW immune system takes control. It is like a reboot. After 2 or 3 weeks I return home AND for 100 days, I must live a cautious life avoiding infections. 

When the 100 days is over WE PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                       

But seriously, I am grateful for this new lease on life and especially thankful to modern science, As someone recently said, "I believe in science."

Thank you to everyone who has been evident in my life since my diagnosis last November through visits, phone calls, texts, emails and even you silent ones - those of you seemingly absent BUT  hopefully praying and sending those love vibrations my way. 

Through all that is good and fair in this world I will be just fine. 

Love,

 Tony or Anthony or Uncle T or "hey you" 

If you want to talk after August 12 or so my cell is 716.380.6022

Glenn's cell is 917.715.5938

                                           

Love Is The Cure

Life is a gift - a cliche' to be sure BUT oh so true. When one is hit by certain circumstances one learns this to be true - Life is a Gift.

What's in this gift? Well, it's a grab bag of delights, challenges, sorrows and, saving the best for last , LOVE.
                                                         

At the risk of sounding gooey, it is all about love. One realizes - let me drop the "one". I realize due to my current status more then ever that love is the answer to everything. It's what gets you off you. What I mean by that is this: When my life situation changed so drastically a little over a month ago, to my surprise I didn't wallow in self pity. 

What happened instead was my immediate concern for my loved ones, especially Glenn. How will this impact him?  How will Glenn hurt? How will siblings deal? What about my friends? Should we get together and have a group cry? 
                                                      

Seriously, I didn't cry for weeks. I had one good cry - well it really wasn't a good cry. It was painful. But I cried it out. However, I stopped crying with tears to spare. They'll keep for another day. I don't have time for that now. I am figuring out a way to allow people to help me. To understand their pain. To let them react in their own way whether I see it or not. To assume they care. To assume they love me. To know they do to varying degrees. There are those I know won't much care. There are those who will care but not love me enough to make an effort. 
                                          

I have received lovely support emotionally and otherwise from several confidants. Glenn has been my rock. I never doubted that. 

I want all the love you can give me, now. It is the best support I can possibly get. Love me fully, unabashedly with no apologies. The hell with cute embarrassment. Just love LOVE. It's really the easiest thing in the world and perhaps the hardest. But do it. Don't let the day arrive when you will find yourself overflowing with regret. Regret is one of the most painful feelings.

So, treat yourself to love. Avoid regret. It is really for your own good - and mine. 

Thanks - I love you. - t 

                                               

HTUTS Reunion 2015

Half way through the party I realized I hadn't been taking any pictures. Unfortunately, not everyone is represented in this photo montage. Some people had come and gone like the Ruffinos etc. Anyway, it was fun and here's some of it with music from our production of "Picnic"
   

                                                           

                                                     

EVERYBODY - SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                   

Today, I heard, yet again, another apology on the news. It was some fake ass celebrity apologizing for something they said yesterday that was deemed offensive by someone. His apology was as fake as his celebrity status.

 I AM SO SICK OF THESE DAILY APOLOGIES! 

There will always be stupid things said. There will always be apologies. The apologies will almost always be insincere. The offense will most certainly be forgotten in a day or two if it weren't for the hungry media keeping the lame controversy alive.

SO SHUT UP EVERYBODY! 

You are not that important. Issuing apologies are acts of conceit. It indicates that the ass-wipe apologizing thinks they are relevant, important and instrumental in governing our lives.

SHUT UP EVERYBODY!

"If I offended anybody.....", they say. Your mere existence offends, OK!

"That was not my intention.....", they utter. So, what, then, was your intention! Please, your intention is as clear as Avian. You got caught being an asshole and you want to save your over-priced career.

SHUT UP, EVERYBODY!

You are not important enough for me to care what you meant. My assumption was you meant to be the topic of the day. You've succeeded . Now, just SHUT UP!

And then there are the people who accost our airwaves on a daily basis with opinion and gall. To the following I say.....................

SHUT UP:

• Donald Trump - America's Big Embarrassment
• Bill "Blowhard" O'Reilly
• The entire Today Show cast
• The entire The View cast
• Curtis Sliwa - former Guardian Angel and yesterday's mashed potatoes
• Robin Meade on HLN - why is this vaudeville act doing the news?
• Kelly Ripa - you're NOT funny
• Michael Strahan - you're NOT funny
• Kelly & Michael - you're STILL not funny
• Guy Fieri - you're not all the things you think you are - in fact you're not any of the things you think you are
• Politicians - worst offenders of the insincere apology SHUT UP!!
• etcetera etcetera etcetera 

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

........thank you.   

                                                  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGLR25EJtfE

Support

                                                    

There's a book "When Bad Things Happen To Good People". I haven't read it but I like the title. It's reassuring. After all, bad things are part of life's journey - unfortunately. So we handle it and strive to surmount the dark patch. And much of the time we do. 

Part of the ways we survive the bad things are the good people that support us through it all. By support, I mean a caring word, a gesture, a prayer. A phone call, text or email - checking in means more than I would ever have guessed. 

I survived a very scary episode. My churning stomach, my faltering stance, my shaky hands, my quivering voice, my fidgety movements were soothed and put on hold by the phone calls, texts and emails from caring good people - friends and family. 

However, I feel some disappointment and hurt. There are many family members and friends who I am sure were aware of my difficulty who couldn't muster the good will and sympathy to call, text or email - to lend a word of support. I shall never ever forget their silence.

Also, I will never forget those who did check in often. It meant the world to me and truly eased my aching soul. 

Thank you Michael, Maria, Jeannie, Gene, Anne Marie and your warriors, Debbie & Joe, Adam, Stevie, Eddie & Liz, Patsy, Debbie, Merridy, Jerry & Merry, Colleen, Colin, Grace, Diane, Mimi, Mary Jane, Cathy, Amber, Billy, Christine, Lynette, Danny, Terry, Bill, Jazmin, Mary, Maria, Bob, Donna, Gary, Jolly, Donna L., Donna H., Brenda, Paul, PJ, Courtney, Craig, Chris, Lisa, Nicky, Pat, Lizz, Maria C. , Eileen and Joanne. 

                                                    

The worst is over. Life is good, again. The hurt subsides. How precious is authentic concern. I cherish it - always. 


                                                

Thanks also to newly aware Sara & MJ.

The Meaning of Life

                                            

When the one person in your life - the main person - the one you love so much it hurts - when that person is in danger - in jeopardy - unhappy - sick -  

 - all the joy goes out of everything you do - everything you see - you eat without tasting - your laugh is empty - your smile is just a position you arrange with your lips - your eyes lose focus - your stomach churns unrelentingly.

                                               

The things you wanted that would make you happy don't.

Why is this?

It is so because nothing is anything if not shared. Your joy needs a witness. Without the participation of your loved one there is no joy.

This is the meaning of life. To love and be loved is all that matters. It is the simplest truth.                              
                                                

We laugh together.

We cry alone.

An artist paints a picture to be seen. A singer sings a song to be heard. The painting, the song has no value otherwise.

Love only exists when it is given as well as accepted. True love is the equalizer. 

This is why we ache when our loved one aches. 

Life is a hellish solitary confinement when bad things happen to your one true love. 

A hollow stomach - a band of ache grips the head - future scenarios are grim - you tingle with fear - your sleep is muddled - you awake only to be greeted with the familiar devastation....

This is now your life.

But because you have a life- the inevitable glimmer of hope appears.

It's a new day even with the old baggage and your love is still your love.

                                                

Worry Wart

                                                          

Don't you hate it when people say to you "Don't worry" - as if on their command you just stop - it's instant - you stop worrying - NOT! 

It's like asking someone not to think about elephants. And, of course, all you can think of from that point on is ELEPHANTS.  

Rather than tell me not to worry, try listening  - or not.
Offer realistic solutions - or not. 
Be sympathetic - or not. 
JUST DO NOT TELL ME I SHOULDN'T WORRY.

Another thing - don't top my worry with your worry. It doesn't help. You are attempting to relate somehow - I know - but it's transparent and a tad selfish. Do not rob me of my misery. Let me own it - chew it and spit it out.  

Help me if I ask for it. Don't say "If you need anything, do not hesitate to call me" then not be reachable. It's like saying "Let's do lunch sometime." 

Look, I believe that worrying is unavoidable in life. I also believe it is to some extent necessary and healthy. It is also very motivating and it will lead you out of your worry. You will discover an answer - a way to fix things that will delete your worry. 

That is, if you are sane...............otherwise all bets are off. 

                                                       

There has been much to worry about, lately. But, you know, time does heal everything. You look back at the drama and sigh with great relief that it's over. Of, course, there are always plenty of replacement worries lined up and waiting for your consideration. So, you take them one by one checking them off as new ones arrive.

It's called life. I am thankful for my worries. It means I'm alive and kicking at misfortune - enjoying the victories more than the lost battles to be sure - but fighting always - always for a clear lucid life. Is there any other way to be? 

And those victorious moments are worth the battles.

It's just right now, my worry list is all too real. One item gets checked off only to be replaced by another. Truly, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING!

Next.............................

                                                      

Damages

It has been the WINTER FROM HELL or, perhaps the WINTER IN HELL However you see it, it has been traumatic and it ain't over yet!                    
                                                 

 
I, like many, have suffered ice dam roofs, water seepage, dangerous roads and ultra-freezing temps and that lovely thing called WIND CHILL.  Snow days and cancelled appointments, changed plans and cabin fever became common.
                                         

Gloves and scarves, hats and boots leave the world of fashion to become annoying necessities.
                                         

Icy roads and white-outs are threatening gestures that bully you day by day.

Damages.

Add to this  - gas leaks, malfunctions of all sorts from garage doors to ovens and clothes dryers -  throw in a little vandalism and you have the meanest winter on record - my record.


Damages

Health issues and challenges become more dire as the thermometer plunges.
                                        

Damages

2015 is a monster so far.

                                       

The sun is a stranger. Birds are absent. White is everywhere - blindingly so.
                                             

Spring will be a little late this year.

I Still Can See Your Face

The mother memories that are closest to my heart are the small gentle ones that I have carried over from the days of my childhood. They are not profound, but they have stayed with me through life, and when I am very old, they will still be near.― Margaret Sang

Eye Candy

                                              

Dark
Compelling
Smooth movement
Lines aligned

Grabbing focus
Owning focus
Fully aware
Kindly aware

Silent 
Speaking volumes 
Aura 
Radiating - pulling me in

                                       

Victim-less victim 
Enslaved 
Those eyes
Beige body

                                                 

Perfection
On display
Just for me
Knowingly

Thankful
Fine
So fine
All mine

                                           

2014 - The Numbers Have It - a brief retrospective........

Looking back on one whole year - random pops up. 

                                                  

On the positive side:

                                                        

Pop Up #1 - San Francisco - Long overdue visit to spend time with in-laws and reacquaint myself with this magical city. I first visited SF in 1996. That experience and the 2014 experience couldn't be more different. Suffice it to say my most recent SF trip stands out as the highlight of my year. Especially noteworthy was spending much of the time with Glenn's family, cousins, Aunts and Uncles. What a classy group. 

                                        

Pop Up #2 - Movies - as movie critic for The Sun I saw many movies and luckily many good movies - stand outs are "Gone Girl", "The Imitation Game" all the X-Men flicks and especially "Into The Woods". I love this job!
                                     

Pop Up #3 - I directed a staged reading of Michael Russell's comedy "Countergirls" . Performed in a restaurant setting, it was very successful - packed house - people had to be turned away at the door - sorry for that but happy, too. 

                                                    

Pop Up #4 - I lost 56 pounds by eating delicious healthy food and cutting bread and butter from my diet. There's nothing like the feeling of buying new clothes 2 sizes smaller and fitting comfortably into restaurant booths. 

                                               

Pop Up #5 - Loving our frequent train rides to NYC where I left my heart - sorry San Fran.
                                          

Pop Up #6 - Home improvements - new AC system - new flooring for entire first floor - new terrific lawn service - tree removal

Pop Up #7 - continued good relations with neighbors and so glad we could be the one helping for a change as they are always the ones to bail these city slickers out of their country jams. Can you say "bats in the belfry"? 

                                             

Pop Up #8 - new car - love the very blue Fusion - love it!                                  

                                              

Pop Up #9 - a very nice languid Christmas season spent with the ones that really care

Pop Up #10 - Netflix

Pop Up #11 - Amazon Prime                                         

Pop Up #12 - Trader Joe's comes to Buffalo

Pop Up #13 - advice from a wise niece actually takes hold and brings about happy acceptance - it's got to do with letting go of toxic people and appreciating those good people who want nothing from you but you. I have been a much less crazy person ever since. 

Pop Up #14 - Blue framed eye glasses 

Pop Up #15 - memory foam slip-on gym shoes


Pop Up #16 - MARRAIGE EQUALITY SPREADS TO 36 STATES!  It's only a matter of time, travails, shouting matches and holier than though rallies until sensibility rules - in my lifetime.

                                             

On the not so positive side:

                                                 

Pop Up #1 - the tragedy of Jenny - dear beautiful niece passes away unexpectedly 2 days before 2014 draws to a close - only 21 years old -  a true shock

                                                 

Pop Up #2 - a tragedy of a different sort - loss of a friendship - surprise behavior brings the end to what I believed to be a very close and special relationship - WHY is still the hanging unanswered question - why meaning why the cold unloving actions perpetrated against me? - the hurt is gone, now but a sadness lingers

                                                

Pop Up #3 -  Snowvember!!

Pop Up #4 - car was vandalized - extraordinary how an act like this can make you feel so violated - one day of terror corrected the very next day to great satisfaction - all's well that ends well!
                                        

Pop Up #5 - a certain brand of cruelty targets another niece health-wise - prayers of deliverance and mercy are much appreciated 

Pop Up #6 - I read very few books in 2014


Pop Up #7 - RACISM REARED ITS UGLY HEAD MORE THAN ONCE IN 2014 - this must stop!

Thank God, my positive Pop-Ups outnumber the negatives. Here's hoping my good numbers continue to dominate.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2015!!