Monday, March 23, 2015

The Meaning of Life

                                            


When the one person in your life - the main person - the one you love so much it hurts - when that person is in danger - in jeopardy - unhappy - sick -  

 - all the joy goes out of everything you do - everything you see - you eat without tasting - your laugh is empty - your smile is just a position you arrange with your lips - your eyes lose focus - your stomach churns unrelentingly.

                                               


The things you wanted that would make you happy don't.

Why is this?

It is so because nothing is anything if not shared. Your joy needs a witness. Without the participation of your loved one there is no joy.

This is the meaning of life. To love and be loved is all that matters. It is the simplest truth.                              
                                                


We laugh together.

We cry alone.

An artist paints a picture to be seen. A singer sings a song to be heard. The painting, the song has no value otherwise.

Love only exists when it is given as well as accepted. True love is the equalizer. 

This is why we ache when our loved one aches. 

Life is a hellish solitary confinement when bad things happen to your one true love. 

A hollow stomach - a band of ache grips the head - future scenarios are grim - you tingle with fear - your sleep is muddled - you awake only to be greeted with the familiar devastation....

This is now your life.

But because you have a life- the inevitable glimmer of hope appears.

It's a new day even with the old baggage and your love is still your love.

                                                



Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Worry Wart

                                                          


Don't you hate it when people say to you "Don't worry" - as if on their command you just stop - it's instant - you stop worrying - NOT! 

It's like asking someone not to think about elephants. And, of course, all you can think of from that point on is ELEPHANTS.  

Rather than tell me not to worry, try listening  - or not.
Offer realistic solutions - or not. 
Be sympathetic - or not. 
JUST DO NOT TELL ME I SHOULDN'T WORRY.

Another thing - don't top my worry with your worry. It doesn't help. You are attempting to relate somehow - I know - but it's transparent and a tad selfish. Do not rob me of my misery. Let me own it - chew it and spit it out.  

Help me if I ask for it. Don't say "If you need anything, do not hesitate to call me" then not be reachable. It's like saying "Let's do lunch sometime." 

Look, I believe that worrying is unavoidable in life. I also believe it is to some extent necessary and healthy. It is also very motivating and it will lead you out of your worry. You will discover an answer - a way to fix things that will delete your worry. 

That is, if you are sane...............otherwise all bets are off. 

                                                       


There has been much to worry about, lately. But, you know, time does heal everything. You look back at the drama and sigh with great relief that it's over. Of, course, there are always plenty of replacement worries lined up and waiting for your consideration. So, you take them one by one checking them off as new ones arrive.

It's called life. I am thankful for my worries. It means I'm alive and kicking at misfortune - enjoying the victories more than the lost battles to be sure - but fighting always - always for a clear lucid life. Is there any other way to be? 

And those victorious moments are worth the battles.

It's just right now, my worry list is all too real. One item gets checked off only to be replaced by another. Truly, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING!

Next.............................

                                                      





Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Damages

It has been the WINTER FROM HELL or, perhaps the WINTER IN HELL However you see it, it has been traumatic and it ain't over yet!                    
                                                 
 
I, like many, have suffered ice dam roofs, water seepage, dangerous roads and ultra-freezing temps and that lovely thing called WIND CHILL.  Snow days and cancelled appointments, changed plans and cabin fever became common.
                                         

Gloves and scarves, hats and boots leave the world of fashion to become annoying necessities.
                                         


Icy roads and white-outs are threatening gestures that bully you day by day.

Damages.

Add to this  - gas leaks, malfunctions of all sorts from garage doors to ovens and clothes dryers -  throw in a little vandalism and you have the meanest winter on record - my record.


Damages

Health issues and challenges become more dire as the thermometer plunges.
                                        

Damages

2015 is a monster so far.

                                       


The sun is a stranger. Birds are absent. White is everywhere - blindingly so.
                                             

Spring will be a little late this year.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

I Still Can See Your Face

video


The mother memories that are closest to my heart are the small gentle ones that I have carried over from the days of my childhood. They are not profound, but they have stayed with me through life, and when I am very old, they will still be near.― Margaret Sang

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Eye Candy

                                              


Dark
Compelling
Smooth movement
Lines aligned

Grabbing focus
Owning focus
Fully aware
Kindly aware

Silent 
Speaking volumes 
Aura 
Radiating - pulling me in

                                       


Victim-less victim 
Enslaved 
Those eyes
Beige body

                                                 


Perfection
On display
Just for me
Knowingly

Thankful
Fine
So fine
All mine

                                           


Friday, January 9, 2015

2014 - The Numbers Have It - a brief retrospective........

Looking back on one whole year - random pops up. 

                                                  


On the positive side:

                                                        


Pop Up #1 - San Francisco - Long overdue visit to spend time with in-laws and reacquaint myself with this magical city. I first visited SF in 1996. That experience and the 2014 experience couldn't be more different. Suffice it to say my most recent SF trip stands out as the highlight of my year. Especially noteworthy was spending much of the time with Glenn's family, cousins, Aunts and Uncles. What a classy group. 

                                        


Pop Up #2 - Movies - as movie critic for The Sun I saw many movies and luckily many good movies - stand outs are "Gone Girl", "The Imitation Game" all the X-Men flicks and especially "Into The Woods". I love this job!
                                     






Pop Up #3 - I directed a staged reading of Michael Russell's comedy "Countergirls" . Performed in a restaurant setting, it was very successful - packed house - people had to be turned away at the door - sorry for that but happy, too. 

                                                    


Pop Up #4 - I lost 56 pounds by eating delicious healthy food and cutting bread and butter from my diet. There's nothing like the feeling of buying new clothes 2 sizes smaller and fitting comfortably into restaurant booths. 

                                               


Pop Up #5 - Loving our frequent train rides to NYC where I left my heart - sorry San Fran.
                                          

Pop Up #6 - Home improvements - new AC system - new flooring for entire first floor - new terrific lawn service - tree removal

Pop Up #7 - continued good relations with neighbors and so glad we could be the one helping for a change as they are always the ones to bail these city slickers out of their country jams. Can you say "bats in the belfry"? 

                                             


Pop Up #8 - new car - love the very blue Fusion - love it!                                  


                                              


Pop Up #9 - a very nice languid Christmas season spent with the ones that really care

Pop Up #10 - Netflix

Pop Up #11 - Amazon Prime                                         







Pop Up #12 - Trader Joe's comes to Buffalo

Pop Up #13 - advice from a wise niece actually takes hold and brings about happy acceptance - it's got to do with letting go of toxic people and appreciating those good people who want nothing from you but you. I have been a much less crazy person ever since. 

Pop Up #14 - Blue framed eye glasses 

Pop Up #15 - memory foam slip-on gym shoes


Pop Up #16 - MARRAIGE EQUALITY SPREADS TO 36 STATES!  It's only a matter of time, travails, shouting matches and holier than though rallies until sensibility rules - in my lifetime.

                                             


On the not so positive side:

                                                 


Pop Up #1 - the tragedy of Jenny - dear beautiful niece passes away unexpectedly 2 days before 2014 draws to a close - only 21 years old -  a true shock

                                                 


Pop Up #2 - a tragedy of a different sort - loss of a friendship - surprise behavior brings the end to what I believed to be a very close and special relationship - WHY is still the hanging unanswered question - why meaning why the cold unloving actions perpetrated against me? - the hurt is gone, now but a sadness lingers

                                                


Pop Up #3 -  Snowvember!!

Pop Up #4 - car was vandalized - extraordinary how an act like this can make you feel so violated - one day of terror corrected the very next day to great satisfaction - all's well that ends well!
                                        

Pop Up #5 - a certain brand of cruelty targets another niece health-wise - prayers of deliverance and mercy are much appreciated 

Pop Up #6 - I read very few books in 2014


Pop Up #7 - RACISM REARED ITS UGLY HEAD MORE THAN ONCE IN 2014 - this must stop!

Thank God, my positive Pop-Ups outnumber the negatives. Here's hoping my good numbers continue to dominate.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2015!!


                                             





Friday, January 2, 2015

Forever Young

When I was young and even into my middle age, I wanted many things - material and otherwise. I wanted a career - several careers - some I achieved with success -  some not. 

What else did I want? Well, I wanted to be thin as Mick Jagger and handsome as Sal Mineo. I loved travel and good food, museums and European churches. I wanted to speak Italian and Chinese fluently. Oh, the list goes on. 

It's funny how things work out. I think I confused liking with wanting. I have had much in life available to me. I used to think that giving up things like people and relationships for my career was romantic. I thought a lot of things - all ridiculous - all stupid. But, I don't beat myself up about it. After all, that is what being young is all about - misplaced emotions, wants, desires and bad decisions. We all survive our youth for the most part unscathed. 

Life has a way of stepping on dreams - thankfully - silly dreams - preposterous youthful plans. If you stay true to your nature, it all comes out in the wash. 

From a recent tragic event, I am once again reminded that the only goal I ever have these days is cherishing the love of my life. That nothing has any worth without the sharing. A good book, a movie, a gourmet morsel, a laugh, a few pounds dropped a surge of inspiration means nothing without my love.  

Wish we could all know this when we are young. Well, maybe we do. Perhaps we let it lurk about letting this notion play peek-a-boo with our nerves. Somehow we know it will overtake us when we don't need our many silly desires anymore. We will let it in and thank the stars we've reached the understanding that love is all there is. 

Specific love is the great achievement. It is the worthy success. 

I am a success. I have a love that satisfies all my notions of making it in this world. Everything else is frosting on the cake. To tell you the truth, I always preferred banana bread without the icing.  

2014 was a very good year for me - for us.

2014 ended on a tragic note - two days shy of 2015. It is a reminder how fragile we are - how touch and go life is. 

Cherish your life -  bumps and all. If you have a specific love or two or three, you dare not complain. What's important is that you have your life and that you love and even more importantly that you are loved.  Tragedy can bring you to your senses. 

I cherish my memories of Jenny. What a force she was - funny and smart and beautiful. Jenny was youth. And, now, she will be forever young.  

                                                      



It is too sad to try and figure it out. 

A happy heart can be broken. My happy heart hurts for Jenny's loving family. I wish their painful journey of grief subsides into a spiritual sorrow and ends in love and acceptance. I am hoping today as we all strive to bravely say goodbye to Jenny tomorrow and the next final day, that we remember that no one really dies. The soul is eternal.