Monday, October 28, 2013
All That I Want - An ALL SOULS DAY Meditation
First off, I'm okay. I am not depressed or dirgy. I know I write a lot about death and related topics. But, seriously, I have always ALWAYS been fascinated with - well, kind of obsessed really - with death. Not as an option for me, you understand. Like the great writer William Saroyan, I believe I will never die. On his death bed it is said he murmured "I always knew people died. I just thought I'd be the exception. "
That is how I feel - how I HAVE ALWAYS FELT. It is human conceit, of course. Others die. I won't. Don't we all feel this way. Who really contemplates their own death? It is just too much - too much to consider. Denial immediately sets in and we are off on another thread. Am I right?
What I do contemplate - frequently - is the death of others - most especially - loved ones. I have lost family and friends over the recent years - one this year - devastatingly so.
And these feelings of suspense, disbelieve....
Somehow I am convinced that there's a fix-it plan - this overwhelms me at times.
It isn't all the time. It goes away
It has reemerged.
How can I explain? You see, when I think about someone who has passed away recently - I know they're gone - I play around with all the clichés about them watching over me, or reuniting with them when I go, being visited by signs - unexplained acts or events - all somewhat comforting. But the fact remains, they are gone, passed - so hard to say it - dead.
And I sometimes feel that if I want it hard enough - so hard that somehow it will happen. I will have an actual moment with them. I will know beyond a doubt that we coexist.
I want it so goddamn much - I want - I want...........
I want to call my mother on the phone and talk for an hour like we used to. I want to tease her and see her face light up as she mock scolds me. What I wouldn't give to hear her say "Hain - it" - I always teased her for that but now it would be music to my ears. I long to thank her for all the things she did - the daily things - cooking, cleaning, ironing, laundry - things I now do for myself and don't always enjoy. Why can't we appreciate these acts of love when they are being performed for us when we are young. We take it for granted not realizing how hard this daily maintenance is. I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU! Then there's the sincere interest she always expressed in all my creative endeavors - the encouragement, advice and humor. Ma was funny - and she could sing - really well. I want to hear her sing "The Party's Over".
I want to hear my dad play the guitar, the piano. I want him to interrupt me as he would do when I played the piano by suggesting we should duet - me on the piano - he on his violin. This used to bug me to no end BUT now I long for it - to hear and appreciate his enormous talent. Why are children built to be so self centered. I want my dad to tell me the story of his life - something he never did - something I didn't want to know. I DO NOW! I WANT TO KNOW EVERY DETAIL OF HIS LIFE BEFORE SELFISH ME CAME ALONG.
I want to forge a friendship with my brother - reignite what we had as kids. We used to pretend I was Wally and he was the Beaver. We loved that show so much and related to it. Our adult lives separated us and made us strangers to some degree. I want to hear his story. I want to be proud of him and say good going, Georgie. I want him to ask me for advice. I WANT TO BE THE BIG BROTHER I SHOULD HAVE BEEN!
I want to hear Gloria laugh about some silly thing I would say - purposely saying what I know would elicit that laugh. To talk about the movie stars and films especially of the 1950's. I want to drop by her house knowing I was always welcome without having to call ahead - never necessary with her. I want to relive these lasts months of her life and show more understanding for what she was going through. To deal with it differently. I thought there would be plenty of time to mend. And we were getting there. I wanted that so much. I thought about it every day. And because Gloria has left us just months ago, I - I want - I want - I WANT GLORIA!
I remember Julie as the sweetest blondest ragamuffin ever. She was so full of life and ambition as a child. I lost track of her as I was living my life and career in New York City. In the beginning - my early days in NYC, Julie would write to me - send me long letters that included her poetry. What did I do with those letters? When we reconnected it was uneasy. But we slowly warmed to each other. I want to ask her why the distance. I want to understand. I want her story as well - her story told by her. Gone too soon, dear Julie. I recall seeing Julie again after not seeing her for a very long time. I went to hug her. It was one of those awkward hugs. We laughed and her mother said, "Julie's not a hugger." We all laughed again. I never attempted another hug. I WANT TO HUG JULIE.
I know people die. I thought Ma and Dad, Georgie, Gloria and Julie, like me, would be the exception.