Sunday, January 5, 2014

Midnight Musings


  • I'm back to thinking about mortality - my ax, I know. Phil Everly died and a flood of memories and thoughts wash through me. I went to youtube to visit the past and hear the beautiful Everly Brothers. They were as beautiful as their sound. Weren't we all to varying degrees. And the age old question comes back to bother me. Why must we die? How do we live knowing we die?
Some people rely on religion to soften the blow, Some people refuse to think about it. And some people (me) think about it all the time. Merde.

  • I find as I age, that my tolerance for shallow people has diminished greatly. Am I being unkind? Are people purposely shallow? Is shallow subjective? Do I join their shallow world by tolerating them - a sort of participation? 

  • It's funny how I continue to make new friends. I thought that when you got older, your friendships were pretty much set. But, I am always amazed at the frequency of "new" people that enter my world.

  • Totally switching gears: An old friend of mine who lives in Tennessee sends me terrific presents every Christmas. This year she sent me food gifts; Chow Chow which I tasted today by putting it on my grilled salmon steak. I liked it. Among other items was a box of Goo Goo Clusters. OMG! these candy bars are absolute heaven. I remember them as a child but I don't recall them being this delicious.

  • Staying with food - I promised myself - a sort of New Year resolution - to eat more fruits and vegetables. I love fruits and veggies but I like bread and butter more. I am conflicted about this because I feel - getting back to my original topic, mortality - if I deny myself the foods that I like , I may go to my grave before I re-experience éclairs and Goo Goo Clusters. So, what do I do. Live a fat and happy life or a slim and healthy (deprived) existence?

  • I have this image of myself - in my mind's eye - I see a slim 27 year old with longish hair and bright eyes - I feel this image of me also. Then I go to my bathroom mirror in the morning to throw water on my face - I towel dry and glimpse a man that resembles my father - the man in the mirror is not slim and 27. If it weren't so funny I'd cry.

  • Fair warning - a rant is coming.............I know same sex marriage is still fairly new to our culture BUT, although I had a pretty terrific Christmas, with all the family and friends I spent time, NOT ONE PERSON ASKED ME WHAT GLENN GAVE ME FOR CHRISTMAS or ASKED GLENN WHAT I GAVE. This might seem like a small thing but believe me it is not - especially when all the straight people are asking the other straight people what their spouses gave them for Christmas. I have noticed that straight people - well, in my world , anyway talk differently to opposite sex couples then they do to same sex couples. They seem to deliberately avoid romantic topics, domestic issues and just everyday inquiries into your cohabited life. Yet, they are all over straight couples about the tiniest of things getting all gooey over just any little hubby wifey thing. And, you may not agree with me but dear family and friends THIS IS A FORM OF  HOMOPHOBIA. So, at several  gatherings I got so angry inside that I volunteered information as almost a protest - a declaration of the validity of my marriage. And yet the response was indifference laced heavily with avoidance - facial expressions that seem to say "Uh-we don't want to talk about THAT" For example, I announced that one of the gifts Glenn gave me was a check for one thousand dollars. I thought such a gift would garner glee and joy from my family and friends. What I got was blank stares and a moving on attitude. If one of the straight husbands or wives at this particular gathering had shared such news, it would have been received differently - you know, good natured jokes, congrats, questions about how will you spend the money etc. But, no, not a word. I was so deflated and then felt because of this cold collective response to my gift announcement, that they will all decide and talk later about how Anthony bragged. Sometimes I wish there was a separate planet for gay people. A place that hurt would only result from issues other than sexuality. A planet free from opinions by straight people who think they know BUT DO NOT KNOW a true thing about being gay in a straight society.

  • One more rant in a similar vein - GAY IS NOT A LIFE STYLE - mmkay? A life style is living in a cabin in the woods - fishing and hunting for your food. A life style is boating enthusiasts. A life style is something you choose like being a vegetarian. A life style is living high on the hog or choosing to live simply. Surfing is a lifestyle. Our wonderful new Pope has chosen a humble lifestyle. ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS ARE NOT  LIFESTYTLES - DO YOU HEAR ME STRAIGHT PEOPLE? GAY IS NOT A LIFESTYLE! GAY JUST IS like straight just is. Someday I'll rant about how I hate the defining terms "gay" and "straight". But not today. I'm spent.



  1. As per usual, I love and agree with 99.9 percent of your musings!

    The EVERYLY BROS. are my first Christmas memories. My Uncle Fel always played guitar for us on the Holidays, and Everly Brothers, Beatles, and Beach Boys were his standards. They make me feel very happy, and My Heart Breaks over this death...

    I did not realise that people didn't ask about your guys' gift exchangings, and that must feel so crappy. I am so sorry that you were forced to notice yet Another rude little flaw in this unequal society, and I'm very glad you called attention to it. Noone really knows their own crappiness, intentional or unintentional, until it's mentioned. GOOD FOR YOU!!

    Somewhat tangentially, I (personally) never ask what people exchanged for holidays cos: 1. I'm Buddhist & mostly non-materialistic & ambivalent in regards to consumerism. The holidays, to me, are all about cinnammon, lights, music, sledding-attempts, cute lil' kids, waxing nostalgic, & the loving/cuddling/friendships/families. 2. Throughout my eventually ill-fated 17-yr. marriage, we were SO freaking poor that noone EVER asked US about gifts, as most knew full-well we could only scrape together enough for our kids, so I just never developed the habit at all, nor did I want to ask in case others were poor, too.

    MAYBE an explanation for Some not asking? It's certainly Mine. Would y'all like ME to ask then? What'd my Favourite Director and Favourite Stage Manager (aka. You and Glenn) get each other? What'd you two do for the Holidays?


    1. ha-ha - Amber, we had 2 get togethers at our house, when we returned from NYC. We saw lots of movies - visited - went to other gatherings at other homes etc. the usual holiday stuff except despite my rant - Christmas was exceptional this year. My issue isn't so much asking about gifts - I don't care about that - it's the treatment by others even close others as if we are so different they assume our lives aren't relatable. Did you enjoy the holidays?

    2. 2 Get Togethers, NYC, & movies sound pretty SWEET! I totally get that people would perceive your lives as non-relatable. It's REVOLTINGLY STUPID for anyone to think that, but I'm certain your perceptionsare dishearteningly accurate. I've noticed this myself in regards to being Italian, divorced, the MS, being a teen mum, & although I most often tend to wind up in relationships with men, my "door" easily swings either way - this makes members of both "tribes" behave peculiarly towards me. Trust me - I really do get your feelings about that...

      The Holidays were depressing until the Eve & Day, when I was lucky enough to spend time with family, friends, & my beloved Bambinis! My NEW Davy treats me like a rarefied gem, & I am so thankful that he exists.

      Miss you guys, always! Xoxo Amber

    3. Amber, I'm glad your holiday finally panned out. New DAVY?

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