STATEMENT
I
am strong as railroad nails. I come on strong because I chose to - because I want people to know at all times where I stand.
That is one facet of me. Here's another:
I have feelings. I want to be appreciated for the good things I do. I want recognition for my hard work. I break just like anyone else when those feelings are trampled - especially by the ones I care for - the ones who I was so certain cared for me - cared enough to know I have feelings.
Dialogue With Myself
It is shocking when you see a side of a loved one that is so unattractive. A demeanor that emerges from them with so little effort - a total aura unmistakable in its pure selfishness. You see this happening before your eyes and you are helpless. You have nothing to say. You, the one who always has an opinion. You who sees what others don't. You who has just been thrown for a loop. You who realizes that you are not deeply loved by this trader - this recognizable unrecognizable person. Who is he? He sits there not caring how you feel - sitting there shrouded in self love forgetting who you are - what you mean to him.
Who was he?
He was sweet and real and funny and made me feel like I was essential to his life.
What is he now?
He is selfish, hurtful, forgetful of our shared history, cruel - not nice.
How does this make you feel?
Disappointed, surprised, used and unloved.
Will you get over this?
Of course - remember I'm strong as railroad nails.
Oh, to know then what I know now!
I just celebrated a birthday - mine. Well, celebrated is not the right word. This is not to say I didn't enjoy my birthday. I did - very much. What I find hard to celebrate, however, is getting older. What's to celebrate? You lose your attractiveness. Your abilities diminish. You are closer to your grave.
Readers of this blog are familiar with my obsession with death and the hereafter. This obsession visits me daily. Today it moved in. I am its landlord. I should evict it but this obsession has become sort of comforting. It gives me hope. As long as I grapple with it, the possibilities that occur seem plausible.
Back to getting older - is there a plus side - yes. Speaking purely for myself, I can say aging has made me more tolerant. It has given me wisdom. I know that's a cliché but, trust me, it is true. And this wisdom makes me weep with regret. If only - if only. The distance of age has given me hindsight and clarity, "Oh. that's what I should have done. It is so damn clear - now. Well, baby, it is too late."
Back to the dark side.
I went through a period of deep regret but emerged into my present state - one of acceptance and forgiveness - forgiveness toward my self for my bad choices. After all, I have a good life and these choices - good or bad - have made me the person I am now. I know, another popular cliché but also true.
So, should I celebrate my choices? I do like who I am. My time is my own. My love is my love.
Except I wish I were younger and know what I know now..................Oh, the possibilities............
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