Friday, May 23, 2014

The Sign

                                                           



It hurts like physical pain. Missing someone you will never see again is a hard road to travel.

It comes and goes.

It goes away for days and months.

It returns at the oddest times.

Never appropriate.

I'll be brushing my teeth and it's there. Not a bang or boom. Yet, not quiet. More like an ache - a yearning - an "Oh God, please" moment. A flash of the possibility that it didn't happen. They are around -  not gone. I want so desperately to get on the phone for a chat. Drive over - drop in. I feel this is possible. I know it's not.

I then ponder the afterlife. I beseech the spirits. Give me a sign. Knock the shampoo off the shelf to prove  - to prove what? Knock the shampoo off the shelf to say hello - to give me hope - to inspire me to figure this whole thing out. If you love me, you'll do it.

 IF YOU LOVE ME YOU'LL DO IT!!!!!!

The shampoo remains stubbornly on the shelf. You don't love me.

YOU DON'T LOVE ME!

This extreme yearning exhausts me. So, I give it up. The longing subsides. Sanity rules. I'm back to my senses. It's mostly forgotten - for now. The yearning becomes a dull low-grade pang. That, too, will subside. I won't feel this way for a long time. And that's a blessing of sorts.

It's necessary.

It's survival.

It's what I need to live a sane centered life.

These episodes are like visits - like holy hauntings.

Perhaps they are the sign. Not the shampoo bottle.

The yearning, the missing - that's the "hello, I'm here - see you later"      


                                                                                      


“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the over wrought heart and bids it break.”
William Shakespeare






12 comments:

  1. This is amazing. First of all, you used a painting by my favorite artist, Van Gogh. Secondly & most amazing to me, you posted this on the weekend of my father's anniversary. On Sunday it will be 51 years that he is gone. Then again, not gone or forgotten, since I think of him everyday-really. He was 53 @ the time of his death so he's been dead almost as long as he was alive. I've had lots of practice wishing the shampoo would jump off the shelf but I do feel him in other ways & I suspect I always will until I see him again. Thank you for this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cathy, you are proof that time is irrelevant when a ;loved one is gone. My mother passed away in 1985 and I still miss her. They leave an impression on our lives that doesn't end when they do here on earth. My father, sister, niece, brother all very much alive in my mind as well - and the missing - fresh and strong as ever. My posting this on the weekend of your dad's passing is just Sympatico between friends. There was something in the air all week - this feeling of loss. I was compelled to write about it. I'm glad I did - it helps.

      Delete
    2. Thank you again Tony.

      Delete
  2. That was so heart breaking and yet so comforting. The signs are all around you in the memories that never leave, even if the person does. Thank god for the beautiful memories

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, thanks for the memories as the song goes.

      Delete
  3. You have somе really great articles. Kudos!

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Bob - we just never stop missing our loved ones.

      Delete
  5. You have such away with words! I've experienced the same feelings and wanted signs. This makes sense that is the way you expressed grief!It's hard when the people you grieve for are still alive and this to me is too much pain sometimes to endure so I guess I grieve for what we once had and what by their choice may never be again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Debby - we can make ourselves crazy with grief or put it in a compartment and deal with it on occasion. It will always be there. It's how we handle it that matters.

      Delete