MY GRIEF

                                             

 

Grief is a funny thing. It is experienced in many different ways. It must be. I don't find myself not eating or crying all the time or obsessing about the past. I know that is how some people grieve.

                                        

I have discovered something recently. I am a griever like everybody else. However, I do not seem to grieve like everybody else. For me it comes in waves - sometimes in moments - sometimes a prick of a sensation - an essence - and I am filled up with a presence - other times a longing - a yearning - a strange feeling of suspense as if something is about to happen - to be revealed - to change everything And the grief will turn into relief. There are those episodes where I feel like I am dreaming knowing full well I am wide awake and functioning. I think, as fleeting as these experiences are for me, grief does not come and go. Grief comes and stays. It rises to the surface - submerges - reappears as if to be fed - rests and then a while later wakes up inside of me. All the time lurking - watching - waiting to surface - not going away - like a retro virus.

                                        


How do you manage grief? You just deal. You control it rather than it controlling you. You acknowledge it - feel it - and lay it to rest. Grief will obey. This routine will keep you sane. It will even comfort you. In time, grief will become your friend. It will keep the object of your grief close to you proving that no one really dies. You won't be able to explain why this is so but you will know deep in your heart of hearts that it is true. Your well managed grief will serve as a tribute to the one for whom you grieve.

                                  

 

My grief is good. My grief is necessary. My grief is solace.

                                   

 

 

 

 

Google Ghosts - A Cyber Psychic Serial by Tony Baksa - Episode 10 - The Truth About Artie? Gregory?

                               Episode 10 - The Truth About Artie? Gregory?

                                  

Google Ghosts - A Cyber Psychic Serial by Tony Baksa - Episode 9 - Demons

                                                  

Artie spun into unconsciousness. It was some time before he came to. When he opened his eyes he was seated slumped in a large arm chair. It looked very comfortable. It wasn't. He found himself in the middle of a large space facing a tribunal. Well, that is what it looked like. In front of Artie was a very long table that stretched out forever. Seated along the expanse from left to right until he could not see beyond the limitless linear gathering were people he felt he had known in varying degrees - from very well to a slight brush. Siting in the center of this foodless banquet was Gregory. He didn't look like Greg but Artie knew it was Greg just as he recognized Jill and Jill he.

                                           

Artie was extremely scared. He  had the feeling that this moment was his last. Gregory sat ominously still. The others sat still as well but with a more anticipatory air about them. They were all slightly turned inward eyeing Gregory.

As Artie perused the crowd he saw his parents, Norma, Clifford - all looking like themselves as did the others.

Artie thinks:
There's George the bartender that was always so funny at that bar on third Avenue that closed soon after George died. And I see Miss Titus my sweet high school Algebra teacher. And Lance my first boyfriend. Gosh, how long ago was that? Donny my first bully. Why does he look so kind, now? Grandma - both of them - the good one and the mean one. Was that my Grandpas next to them? I never knew them. Never even saw photographs of either grandfathers. They both passed long before I was born. It seems everyone I ever came in contact is here. But where's Jill? Shouldn't she be here as well?

Jill's absence was like a loud siren. It almost seemed on purpose - something Artie was supposed to notice - be aware of - and figure out.

And still no one spoke. Artie assumed that would be Gregory's job. After all it was obvious Greg was in charge. What was odd, however, in fact very odd, was with all these familiar faces many of whom were people he had loved, Artie did not feel safe or in any way protected. Why aren't his parents or Norma rushing to his side. Not a peep from Clifford. Boy could he use a chilled glass of Chianti right now.

And like magic his hand suddenly held a goblet of chilled Chianti. Artie just stared at the glass trembling with a new fear. He was certain they - all of the gathered ghosts were tuning in - hearing his every thought - all his thoughts - not just the appropriate ones as Jill mentioned. This group heard it all - heard the fear. He was doomed.

"Well, drink it, Artie." Gregory slithered.

Artie caught off guard by Gregory dropped the glass of wine but it did not shatter and splatter. It just disappeared. It was immediately replaced with another full goblet.

"I SAID DRINK IT!" Gregory boomed.

It would seem that Artie would drop the goblet again but fear reversed itself and Artie's grip tightened on the Goblet. Suddenly Gregory was airborne and shot out from the table directly to Artie. He was instantly in his face almost engulfing him with his evil presence........

"DRINK!!"

Artie did as he was told. It was the worst tasting Chianti he had ever had.

The room filled with laughter of a sort one hopes they will never experience. It was ugly, dirty -  reeking with sin. Even his parents, Norma and Clifford were screaming this mirthless cackle. All Artie could do was sit there stunned. He then realized something else. He was crying. In fact he had been crying long before he knew it. He was crying. they were laughing and his world had disappeared forever.

Artie would never have the satisfied feeling he had been experiencing these past few years. That feeling that despite everything, he had a good life. He loved his work - his friends - his city. Life had been good. Yes, he had been losing loved ones and that was getting him depressed. But Artie was strong and he knew how to handle grief - setbacks - bad turns. These things weren't new to him. But above all else Artie was resilient and resourceful. But now it was over . The end has come. His life challenges were done. It was done He was done.

The laughter turned into a chant "Drink drink drink drink drink................"
                                           

It was unbearable. Suddenly all the seated ghosts flew from the table and filled the room like a swarm of killer bees. They buzzed around attacking Artie within an inch of his body. Flying in circles around him chanting "drink". These familiar entities began to change. They no longer looked as they did. His parents, Norma, Clifford and the rest were no longer recognizable. Swarming around Artie was a flock of hideous monsters. They were dripping and oozing. He had never seen beings such as these. Were they the demons Jill spoke of - the impostors?  
                                              

Artie heard himself screaming - a shameless scream - what did he care anymore - he never lost his cool - well, that wasn't necessary anymore - it almost felt good to scream - it was his only defense - so scream he did - like a banshee - "Why Gregory - why are you with these demons? "
                                        

In the chaos -in the wild flurry of out of control demons, Gregory grabbed Artie and in one giant swoop they -  Gregory with Artie flew out of sight.
                                                 

Google Ghosts - A Cyber Psychic Serial by Tony Baksa - Episode 8 - Were WERE WERE

                                        

Artie thinks:
So Gregory is a villain. One of my best friends is my enemy. How can this be? I believe Jill. She's the first person I've met here in Google land that I feel entirely certain about. But what about everybody else? These impostors. Who are they? Why are they?

"They are demons" interjected Jill.

"Oh no, Jill - you too? You are hearing my thoughts?

"I only hear what is appropriate. I promise. I cannot hear what you wouldn't want me or anyone else for that matter to hear. Its just a short cut rather than speaking. You, too, have this ability." 

"I do? Well. how do I turn it on?"

"Just decide. Go ahead do it."

"OK. .....nothing.....well, think.......ask me a question........think something."

Jill laughed then gathered a thought for Artie.

Artie laughed as he caught Jill's thought. "No, Jill, I never had a romantic feeling for you. That would have been like incest." They both laughed. "Oh my lord, I just read your mind!"

"See. And I continued to think things that you should not hear and you didn't -  right?" Jill said.

"No, I didn't." a relieved Artie answered. "Hey, what didn't you want me to hear?"

"Never mind, kiddo." Jill teased.

Just then a booming wicked voice said "You two make me want to vomit!" It was Gregory.

                                        

"Why have you turned on me, Greg? We were best buds you and I" said a frightened Artie.

"Were! WERE!! That's the key, Art." Then a sound at a decibel unimagined, Gregory bellowed, "WERE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

It was like the universe was exploding. Artie's vision became blurred. His balance from floating along pleasantly with Jill became a whirl of motion. It was as if he were a pinwheel caught in a monsoon. He tried to see Gregory but could not. Only the booming voice was all that Artie experienced. He, then, attempted to read Gregory's mind but all he heard was laughter - a guttural joyless laughter - a hateful sound that just wouldn't stop. Artie tuned Gregory out somehow knowing he would hear nothing else from his former friend - former friend.

                                          

And Jill. Where was Jill? He tried reading her mind. What he heard was a faint murmur - a fading away - a drowning out. Jill was gone. He felt it as he spun violently. Jill, oh Jill.............

                                       

Couch Follies

To bring things to a brighter mood, I dedicate this montage to my dear opinionated readers aka kindred spirits...................and now, just for fun...a non-sequitur   montage.

HOW I SEE IT PART 2

                                                

Is George Zimmerman a racist?

Was Trayvon Martin up to no good?

Was the jury's decision based on racism?

Answers to these questions are what is driving America crazy. People are accusing, assuming and being downright ugly. Many plead for a gentler society yet act out in less than gentle ways. No one is happy - even those who agree with the verdict or at least understand why the jury came to its disturbing conclusion. We are all so conflicted.

Why?

Lets face it, this case has pushed every button on the dashboard. No one is exempt and I believe every one cares. Now, that is where I see great hope for us all. A national dialogue is happening. Although some of it is nasty - as seen even on this blog - it is still a very good sign that we as a people are moving forward - attempting to figure it all out. Unfortunately, a young life was sacrificed for this privilege.

The raised voices seem to be insisting that America is a racist nation. Well, America has that history. But I believe we must stop referring to ourselves this way. You are what you believe you are and, thus, hang on to that identity to some degree. I, for one, would rather believe America used to be a nation of racist but now is a nation struggling very willingly to change. Rather, America is a diverse nation of many stripes. Racists still are out there - absolutely. But then there are a hell of a lot of people like you and me. I believe this wholeheartedly. And you know what else - there are loads of people who are racist and don't even know it. They are so sure how they think - how they act is correct. They even use the Bible to back them up. These are the folks we should be concerned about.

A diverse nation also means levels of intelligence, sanity and ignorance. This will always be. The human animal will never evolve away from this.

So, we do the best we can. We MUST make sure we do the best we can. We allow ourselves to recognize our own racism - work on deleting it - and, above all, do not act on it. Keep it your dirty little secret and fix it. A prevailing sense of bigotry can no longer be tolerated. Fix it.

FIX IT!

                                       

HOW I SEE IT

                                          

Travesty

George Zimmerman was instructed by the police to not pursue Trayvon Martin. He ignored their advice. If he - Zimmerman - felt threatened as he claims sighting the Stand Your Ground law -  would it  not have been smart to go home and let the police deal with Zimmerman's claims regarding Trayvon. Even if this child was up to no good which I believe he was NOT - but for argument's sake - if Trayvon was not doing the right thing - did it warrant being shot to death by an unqualified self appointed predator. George Zimmerman is nothing but a vigilante. He killed -  no -  murdered a child. It is that simple. He pursued a kid in the night with intent to neutralize a situation he created in his sick Charles Bronson head. Trayvon Martin didn't need to die as a result of one man's paranoia and misplaced civic duty. Travesty AND Tragedy.


Only The Name Changes

                                          

Cory Montieth died as so many young and not so young stars do - drugs and alcohol. How many times have we heard this story? I am sorry for his family and friends and, of course, his many fans. I don't know too much about Mr. Montieth. I do not watch 'Glee". Perhaps I've seen two or three episodes. I did not like what I saw. Actually, I had a strong reaction to this show. I HATED IT. But, I digress. Living as long as I have, celebrity deaths attributed to drugs and drink have become a cliché'. Does it ever stop? Is this part and parcel of fame for some? The list is long. From Billie Holiday, Judy Garland, Janis Joplin, Elvis, Chris Farley, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, John Belushi, Heath Ledger, Whitney Houston and Marilyn Monroe to name just a few. It may sound cold hearted, but it sickens me that these people - these fortunate, golden people - didn't respect their gift. They achieved a  privileged life. Their talent was appreciated. They received awards, praise and adoration. That wasn't drug enough? I feel sad as a knee jerk reaction to news like this BUT that dissolves into anger. How can they throw their lives away? Its a sin. Its arrogance and conceit. I'll save my sorrow for the victims of recent plane crashes and hurricanes - for victims of drive by shootings and babies shot by wayward bullets - for ordinary people dealing and dying from diseases they don't deserve - for targets of racism and homophobia that result in murder - for too many women living with the memory of a brutal rape or beating - for young soldiers taking a bullet for the old men who send them to die. I have a great capacity for sorrow and empathy. I will not waste it beyond a day mourning the end of a shooting star.  

                                        

 

Mendacity and Such

 

 

When did it become a prerequisite for actors, singers, athletes and other entertainers - show biz types - to add annoying to their special "talents"? I'm talking about Alec Baldwin, Paula Deen, Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Guy Fieri, Bill O'Rielly and everyone on Fox News especially that BLONDE TALKING HEAD. I am ridiculously reduced to outright hatred toward these people. You can't avoid them even if you try.

 

I do not watch Fox News. It should be called Fox Opinion. IT IS NOT NEWS! Anyway, back to my point regarding avoidance. I go to the gym six days a week. Invariably, Fox news will be on one of the large flat screens hovering above as I tread the mill for an hour. So, I am sometimes drawn to the screen showing Fox. Here's where I unavoidably check in with the extreme right. Fox drips with inaccuracies, blatant lies, slanted reportage and hate mongering. It is the most obvious display of one sidedness you will ever see. As Big Daddy says to Brick in "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof" - What's that smell? I smell a powerful odor of mendacity! Do you smell it? Do you smell it, too?"

 

Yes, Big daddy I smell it too! 

 

My advice to:

 

Paula Deen - Shut up and disappear. Stop "apologizing" You IS what you IS. Except that and GO AWAY!

 

Alec Baldwin - Shut up and disappear. You are not God. You are an aging matinee idol who once could act but now just blusters with conceit and contempt for all the "little people". You have become a whore. By the way, Alec, what's in your wallet?

 

Justin Bieber - Shut up and disappear. You are as cute as a raw chicken wing. You sing like Minnie Mouse. You have the intelligence of a snail and your mother dresses you funny. I hope you are saving your money.  You just may become the next Vanilla Ice.

 

Miley Cyrus - Shut up and disappear! Take your father with you.

 

Guy Fieri - Shut up and disappear. You are the most annoying television personality since Richard Simmons. And your mother dresses you funny.

 

Bill O'Reilly - Shut up and disappear. You are by far the worst presence ever outdoing even Rush. The radio protects us from Rush's sneer. Television enhances yours. What is truly reprehensible is that you actually don't even mean half of what you say. You are interested in being hateful. This is your act. It is what makes you strive for infamy. Well, congratulations. You have met your goal. Now, how will this make you feel at 75 when you review your life. Or will you learn to court denial. Either way, you will join the ranks of Walter Winchell and his ilk when future critics compose their lists. But most people will utter, "Bill who?"

 

And that's a good thing.

 

 

 

 

 

Google Ghosts - A Cyber Psychic Serial by Tony Baksa - Episode 7 - Color and Light

                                              

The grey was all gone. Colors abounded. Everywhere Artie lumbered along in his new "body" was filled with the most amazing color and light. He moved with a purpose - a singular goal to find Jill. Artie just knew Jill had the answers or was willing to share them. Gregory, Clifford and the rest could have helped him but strangely did not want to do so. Why oh why? His parents' brief visit as well as Norma's promised hope but came to naught. It seems they had abandoned him. Left him to fend for himself. Betrayed him even. Yes, Artie - sweet natured Artie was angry. His supposed loved ones -  all of them -  had betrayed him. Except for Jill. Of course, he had not encountered her as yet. So who knows. She may do the same - leave him in limbo.

But Artie wasn't in any semblance of limbo. He left the grey to wander through a beautiful landscape of color and light. Here he would find Jill. He began to feel her essence. Jill was about. It was only a matter of...........

Artie began to vibrate violently. His huge new shadowy bulk started to feel like a heavy coat. He could not control the vibrations. They continued as if he were to erupt. And that's just what he did. Artie erupted. He blew sky high. It was the most wonderful feeling ever. Artie was rapturous. He was tingling with wonderfulness. A feeling of certainty, of rightness, of complete and utter comfort energized by the freshest air imaginable and scent - was it lavender? -  overwhelmed was Artie but not confused - just brimming over with extraordinary health and well being - mentally, physically and emotionally.
                                             

Artie's senses were so acute. He could see for miles. Oh, and what he saw. Everybody he ever knew and encountered were before him scattered about singularly or in clusters waving and offering greetings. He even saw his first pet Daisy a beautiful mongrel. Those he saw were not the main players in his life. They were acquaintances, coworkers, shopkeepers, neighbors, brief encounters. His pets and other animals he knew were also in sight. As he was taking it all in with gratitude and delight, floating in from above coming toward him was Jill. He thought of Glinda the good witch in The Wizard of Oz and it made him laugh. "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" he thought recalling Glinda's first line to Dorothy.
                                        

"Why, I'm not a witch at all. Witches are old and ugly." Jill said playing along.

"Jill!" Artie attempted to run to her but instead was instantly beside her. How did this happen?

"Artie, you found me as I knew you would" Jill gushed as she seemed to hover delicately.

"So good to see you. my Jill" said Artie also hovering. "Although you look nothing like Jill, I know you are Jill."

"Yes I am Jill. And I know you are Artie even though you don't look like Artie."

"I don't?"

"No but - oh Artie, you are beautiful."

"You are beautiful, Jill. But Jill, what has happened to me?

"What has happened to you is what happens to all good people. You have been turned inside out for your true beauty to shine.
This has happened to me as well. "

"Jill I need to find my parents and Norma. Clifford, too."

"What about Gregory. Don't you want to see him as well/" Jill teased.

"I don't trust Gregory, Jill. Frankly, I am afraid of him."

"You need to be afraid of all of them, Artie - all of them."

"I - what are you telling me? What do you mean....my parents, Norma, good old Clifford....what.....?

"They are not who you think they are"

"Now wait a minute, Jill. I saw them....I spoke to them......

"Artie be silent and listen to me, please. Your parents, Norma, and Clifford are not available to you as yet. It will be a long time until you reunite with them. Who you think you encountered - your folks, your sister and Clifford - these people, that is, these entities are impostors."

"Impostors?"

"Yes, Artie, they are not your family. It was not Clifford. They are impostors."

"But why? For what purpose. Its incredulous. My parents were so happy and Norma too. We spoke briefly but I felt so good about it. "

"I'm telling you the truth, Artie."

"Yes, I know you are. Funny, but as crazy as it seems, I believe you. I believed you from the start. I'm just so confused."

"I know, Artie. I'll help you with that."

"So, then, at least that explains Gregory's behavior. He's been monstrous. I am relieved to know that wasn't Gregory. It was an impostor."

"Oh but Artie  - that was no impostor," Jill whispered. "That WAS Gregory."

                                            

Google Ghosts - A Cyber Psychic Serial by Tony Baksa - Episode 6 - Artie, Bob and Jill

                                          EPISODE 6 - Artie, Bob & Jill
                              
              

Artie slowly regained his faculties. As he began to visually focus, he could see all manner of shapes and horizons, movement, colors - so many colors. He heard vibrations and a sort of music - bells, chimes, horns, tinkling sounds. It was all so pleasant - like a summer breeze - like a cooling off - like a beautiful rest. It was heaven.
                                            

Artie also became aware that he was much taller and larger and darker. He hadn't happened upon his refection as yet but he could see from looking down at himself that he no longer seemed to look as he did before he was absorbed by Bob. In fact he was certain he looked like Bob. He felt like he looked like Bob.

Artie desperately searched for something where he could verify his likeness - that  would capture his image - to reflect back at him. It was a feeling. He somehow knew he was Bob. Artie was Bob. Suddenly he didn't need validation. He was Bob. Artie was Bob - big dark and fearless AND aching to get on with it. Artie/Bob was now fiercely motivated to get to the bottom of it all. What had been happening to him. He felt ever so confident that he would know. Artie/Bob would know by the end of the day - or whatever was day in here - all would be revealed - he would uncover the meaning of all this. Artie was never more certain of anything in his entire life. Boy did he feel good!

So Artie/Bob continued moving - moving forward. To keep moving was the plan. He was bound to come upon someone or a revelation, an explanation, a reason - meaning. Artie/Bob was never more determined. He was also rather determined to put an end to thinking of himself as Artie/Bob. So it was that he would remain Artie.  After all Bob was no one. Well, that is not true. Bob was someone very important. Bob was Artie. Artie knew this instinctively. What he didn't know was why this was so. But, strangely, it didn't bother him one bit. He didn't care why. His new confidence gave him understanding. Artie understood that he would know why in time. It was more important to forge on and solve this mystery - his mystery.

Artie thought:
Where are my parents?
Where's Norma?
Where's Clifford?
Why is Gregory such a monster?
And what about Jill? He hadn't even made contact with her.
                                  

      
Jill was in some ways the saddest story of all. She seemed to be born into the wrong family. Vulgar and borderline criminal, her family was shunned by everyone in West Hills where Artie and Jill grew up. Artie befriended Jill in 2nd grade and their friendship never ceased. It only grew stronger over the years. Nothing could stop their runaway train. They were soul mates forever. Artie's friends couldn't understand the attraction. She was shy, a bit morbid and just not
like them. But the chemistry between the two of them was unexplainable. As the years rolled by, Jill became a given with Artie's crowd. She was accepted into the fold although not completely welcomed. Jill was invited to all parties and events that Artie attended. His friends knew they just had to include her. So they did. Not begrudgingly, quite - just a matter of course. Artie's coming so, of course, Jill must come too. Case closed. Mercifully, Jill in her sweet naivety, never felt like she was along for the ride. Jill, sweet soul that she was, felt liked even loved by Artie's crowd. So what did it matter in the long run. Jill, for all intents and purposes, was part of the in crowd. Artie's crowd.

Now, it must be understood. Artie and Jill were not a romance. Never. Again, it was unexplainable their bond. They were like brother and sister. Artie being the big brother protector even though they were the same age.  People sensed this and therefore left Jill alone. Jill was never bullied or badly teased once she fell under Artie's wing. Her family was as bewildered over the relationship as was Artie's family and friends. As for Artie, he was totally unaware of everyone's concern. Jill was his friend - his best friend and that was that. Even sister Norma was okay with Artie's other "sister". Norma, five years older than Artie had her own world with friends and interests vastly different from her younger brother. This did not mean that Artie and Norma were strangers. To the contrary - the siblings were close. The fact is, Artie's relationships were exemplary. His friends adored him. His parents adored him. His sister likewise and Jill, of course. Everyone loved Artie and why not. Artie was and is a very likable guy. In fact, Artie was perfect - the golden boy - friends galore and no enemies.

As Jill and Artie matured, they stayed connected. Both away at separate colleges but always in touch with letters and phone calls and when they could - weekend reunions scattered throughout the school years. After college they both secured jobs at the same company in New York City. . Jill had blossomed into quite the sophisticate and not a trace of "wrong side of the tracks" could be detected. She soon married the nicest guy - a dead ringer for Artie. A year later Jill was pregnant. Ten months later she was mourning the lose of her baby son, Arthur. It was too sad for words. Yet, Jill, ever the optimist became pregnant again seven months later. Thirteen months later Jill and her husband, Frank, found themselves burying their second child, Robert. This was sadder than sad. This tragedy was soon followed by a monumental disaster. Jill's husband was murdered in a freak incident. He was sharing a cab with a total stranger - a man who suggested they share due to a seeming scarcity of cabs to be had. Not an unusual practice - people did it all the time. Jill's husband agreed. The man sharing Jill's husband's cab held up the cab driver and Frank taking his well stocked wallet, Omega watch and diamond encrusted wedding band. Almost as an afterthought, he turned around as he was leaving the taxi and shot the cabbie in the head - Frank, too - in the head - killing then both.

The murdering thief was never found.

Jill - poor poor Jill had much to grieve about and grieve she did. Artie, of course, was there for her and that helped considerably. Just as Jill was coming to the end of her grief several years later, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Soon she was dead.

Artie was devastated. It was just too too much. "My dear Jill" he thought, "why were you even here? What was the purpose of your existence - a life that never seemed to take off. What good was potential. Why fall in love. Why bother with any of it."

Yes, Jill's story was the saddest of all.

Artie realized that Jill was who he needed to find. He had this gut feeling that bordered on certainty that Jill possessed all the answers. Jill would have answers to all the whys. How did Artie know this? He just knew. As he knew he was Bob he knew Jill was his savior.

Artie needed to find Jill!

                                                 

Me & My Boo

As I celebrate Independence Day 2013, I feel an extra special jolt of the American way. DOMA has been squashed and another bell for freedom rings. Let me just say, I  believe none of us are truly free until all of us are FREE. A fresh and encouraging wind is blowing across our great country.

To quote Bob Dylan "How many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free ?
The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Here, then, is my celebratory montage - grateful for the breeze..........